Joseph came into the throne room with an urgent message for the Pharaoh. “Sir, I—” He stopped and anxiously pointed towards the door. “Oh, look! It’s my sheepherding brothers!”
The Pharaoh squirmed a little deeper into his throne. “Eww, sheep? Why are these people in my country?” The eleven brothers stood before him. Reuben held a shepherd’s staff in his hand while Naphtali knitted a wool sweater. Levi went so far as to even carry a small lamb over his neck. The Pharaoh fearfully asked, “You don’t really work with sheep, right? Please?”
Simeon answered, a bit shocked. “What else is there? We have to work with sheep. Our fathers worked with sheep as did our fathers’ fathers.”
“Yep, sheep, left and right,” said Issachar.
“Up and down, too,” added Asher.
“That’s why we’ve come to you, Pharaoh,” said Judah. “There was no food for us back at home, but we’ve heard there’s plenty in Egypt.”
“Mind if we set up shop in your palace courtyard?” asked Gad.
The Pharaoh nervously motioned for Joseph to come closer. “Please tell me that there’s some distant land we own.”
Joseph pretended to think for a while. “Well, there is Goshen.”
“That land’s the best of the best! And that’s where I was going to build that new playground for all the sick orphans.” The Pharaoh then cringed as the lamb on Levi’s shoulders let out a long, loud bleating sound. “Ugh, fine, just give it to them. Thank god it’s on the edge of our territory.”
Jacob entered the room as the Pharaoh announced his decision. “Oh, that’s most generous of you, Pharaoh. God bless you for that.”
“Sir, this is my father,” said Joseph.
The Pharaoh stared at the man and then at Joseph. He asked Jacob, “You seem rather old to be Joseph’s father. How old are you?”
“Let’s see… I’ve been wandering around for 130 years now.”
The Pharaoh let out a big laugh. “Oh, come on! That’s absurd!”
“Tell me about it. It sucks how short my life’s been. I’m nowhere close to the age Dad was when he died.”
“Oh… you’re serious…”
“Thanks for the compliment, Pharaoh! God bless you again!” Jacob turned to his sons. “Come on, boys, we’ve got lots of sheeping to do!”
Joseph left with his brothers. As they left the palace grounds, he shouted, “Oh my god! Did you see Pharaoh’s face?”
“Hahaha! I know!” laughed Simeon. “We sure tricked him good!”
“Dude, that sheep was the perfect touch, Levi,” said Issachar as he patted the lamb on the head.
The Spirit waited until their laughter had died down to pull Joseph aside from the group. “Joseph,” he said with a concerned voice, “what are you doing?”
“Spirit, it’s no big deal. I told you not to worry.”
“But I am worried. You convinced your brothers to lie, you lied to me, and then you lied to Pharaoh. Notice a pattern here?”
“Spirit, I know, but it’s just this one time. And I did it to bless my family. That’s the most important thing. If my lies really do bless someone, then it’s a good thing.”
“Yes, your family was blessed, but you cheated someone else out of that land! Is that a good thing?”
“I think you’re just overreacting. You really don’t have to worry about me, Spirit. I’m the same honorable person I’ve always been,” he said as he left to rejoin his brothers.
Soon, the famine had grown to the point where no household in Egypt had any food of their own left in storage. Everyone was constantly coming to Joseph to purchase just enough to survive. Most people had already spent any money they had saved up.
A desperate father approached him and begged, “Sir, I need food for my family, but I cannot pay you.”
“Then I cannot help you,” replied Joseph tersely.
“Sir, please! Are you just going to let my family die?”
“Look, if you can’t pay me with cash, then pay me with stuff you own, like your cattle or that shirt on your back.”
The man was stunned. He tried to object, but Joseph brushed him aside. The man then quietly agreed to the deal. He returned later that day with the remainder of his livestock to purchase bread for his family as other men did the same.
The Spirit observed all of this from heaven and approached the Lord. “Hey, does Joseph seem kind of greedy to you?”
“Holy shit, yes, he does! This is amazing!” said the Lord with great delight. “Man, all this time I was tempting him with sex… I had no idea he was so hungry for money!”
The Spirit sadly watched as Joseph continued to take from the poor families. Joseph would often taunt them as they turned over their last earthly possessions. Soon he had control of all the animals in Egypt, and his maniacal laughter could be heard throughout the land. The Spirit sat slumped down at the edge of heaven. “God, I—” Struggling to speak, he continued, “I thought he was actually good.” He let the tears fall down his face. “I mean, I really, truly thought he was the first righteous man to come from your people.” The Spirit brushed off each eye with a finger. “I know you screwed him up with your lies, but then he repented… Or so I thought. And now this. It’s all so terrible.”
“There, there, Spirit. You can’t win them all,” said the Lord as he placed his hand on his shoulder.
As the famine progressed, people once again came to Joseph when they were out of food. The same man approached him and requested help. Joseph repeated, “You can have food when you pay me.”
Fighting hard to mask the quivering in his voice, the man said, “Sir, you know I have no money. The only thing I have left is my land.”
“Then I’ll take that from you. But it’s not enough. I need something more.”
“Sir, there’s nothing left besides my skin and bones!”
“Then you die, fool!”
“Oh my god!” cried the Spirit. “He’s getting worse!”
“Don’t worry, Spirit. It’s not so bad,” said the Lord. “Look! Now he’s enslaving all the people! It’s the best possible solution for everyone!”
As Joseph was branding his new slaves, a small group of young children approached him. An older boy from the group stepped forward and bowed before him. He coughed, “Sir, we’ve come from Goshen. We went there because we were promised medical aid, food, and… hope. But when we arrived, we found only sheep and fat men living like kings. They have so much excess that they roll in their leftover food if they can’t finish a meal. We begged them for scraps, but they turned us away.”
“Yeah, so? What do you want?”
“Sir, we’re so hungry. Please give us something to eat.”
Unflinchingly, Joseph answered, “You can eat if you pay.”
The boy coughed profusely. “Sir, we have nothing.”
“There must be something you can give. All these other people have become my slaves.”
“Sir, we’re so ill that we cannot work. All we have left is our dying breath.”
“Fool!” Joseph cried. “Your soul is mine!”
The Spirit was now sobbing uncontrollably. The Lord shook him to get his attention as he whined, “Spirit! That’s not fair! I wanted his soul!”
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