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Bible Spoof!: A Closer Look at Genesis has gone through many iterations.  In the beginning, there was the version I self-published.  I guess you could call it the First Original Standard Version (featuring the words of Christ in blue, Satan in fuchsia, Hezekiah in green, and all contradictions in white!).  Then there was the repackaged, pastor-preferred NURRRDRPV (New Updated Revised Republished Retouched Digitally Remastered Polished Version).  And now the original is (or is in the process of) being displayed for free in its entirety on this website, so let’s just call it, for simplicity’s sake, the LOFFWV (Last Original Final First Web Version).

Yes, that’s right, all the chapters for free.  You can save your $6.66 and your soul (well… maybe not your soul) and read the whole thing online.  So laugh, learn, think, and enjoy as the Bible is revealed in all its glory.

Start reading at the beginning.

Bible Spoof – Chapter 50

Joseph sat on the floor, cradling his father’s lifeless body in his arms. He rested his own head upon his father’s and cried. Realizing that he might never let go, Joseph’s brothers approached him. Reuben said gently, “Joseph, we need to take his body.”

“No!” Joseph cried.

Judah added softly, “It’s time. We need to bury him.”

“No! I want him to become a mummy!” Joseph sobbed. “We’re in Egypt, goddamn it!”

Joseph’s servants were called in. They took Jacob’s body and began the embalming process. As this went on for over a month, Joseph wept every single day along with everyone else in Egypt. So great was their mourning that, even after Jacob’s body had been treated, wails could still be heard from every household.

“Oh my god,” said the Spirit, “this is ridiculous.”

“What?” sniffed the Lord.

“All of Egypt is mourning for this guy? They don’t even know who he is!”

“But, Spirit,” God sobbed, “it’s so terrible!”

“Seriously, all they know about this guy is that he’s the father of the man who has stolen everything from them and enslaved them. Why would they cry for him? Is there a threat of death if they do otherwise?”

But the Lord had no response. He was too busy pouring all his energy into his tears. “Poor, poor Israel. He died so young.” He took a deep breath. “At least Jacob is still alive.”

The Spirit was about to say something to the Lord but changed his mind out of fear that it might provoke more weeping.

After seventy days of mourning, Joseph was finally ready to bury his father. He and his brothers began a procession to take Jacob’s body to the gravesite where his wives and fathers were buried. Every servant of Pharaoh and every elderly person in Egypt also went with them. As they passed through lands that knew nothing about Jacob, the inhabitants there also wept when they heard the news.

“Oh, come on! This is insane! Joseph’s still crying. Egypt’s still crying. The whole world’s still crying!” the Spirit shouted. “It’s not like he was even that good of a guy!”

“I’ll always remember,” sniffed the Lord after a hard blow of his nose, “his honesty!”

Jacob was finally laid to rest next to his wife Rachel on one side and his wife Leah on the other. Joseph remained over the grave for a while as his final tears trickled down. His brothers stepped away and let him be.

“You know,” said Dan, “now that Dad’s gone, Joseph has no reason to treat us fairly anymore.”

“Oh my god, you’re right,” said Judah. “He’ll probably kill us for what we did to him.”

“Damn,” sighed Issachar, “I bet he’s been waiting for this day.”

“Yeah, just look at him. Sitting and ‘praying’ with his eyes closed. Bullshit!” said Asher. “I bet he’s dreaming about us right now.”

“What are we going to do?” asked Naphtali.

“We could do a preemptive strike,” said Levi.

“I’ll race ya!” shouted Simeon as he took off, but Benjamin reached out his arm and stopped him.

The other brothers made no comments about Joseph because they were distracted by something else.

“Why is Uncle Esau spreading feathers over Dad’s grave?” asked Zebulun.

“Yeah,” added Gad. “And now he’s flapping his arms up and down. What’s going on?”

Reuben left his group of brothers and approached Joseph. “Hey, you know, Dad’s dying wish was that you forgive us for what we did to you.”

Joseph looked at him and the rest of his brothers. “Do you honestly believe that I’m going to take revenge on you now? You may have meant to destroy me, but God used that to give me wealth and power untold. I have no quarrel with you anymore.”

Joseph and his brothers lived out the rest of their days in Egypt. Joseph was the first of them to go. With his last words, he requested, “My final dream is to become a mummy. Please make that happen for me. And do not bury me here. When God fulfills his promise to you all, take my body and lay me in the land that he will give to you.”

After Joseph’s death, the Spirit entered the throne room of heaven. Surprised, he looked down at his feet when he heard a splash. He followed the trail of water to the back of God’s throne where he found the Lord curled up underneath it.

“Spirit, it’s absolutely horrible…” God sobbed.

“Yeah, I just heard about Joseph, too.”

“No, it’s worse than that! I just found out that Jacob’s dead, too!”

“Um…”

“First Israel and then Joseph and now Jacob! It’s more than I can bear!” God crawled out from under his throne. He stood and draped his arms over the back of it as he rested his head on the top. “I don’t know if I can take much more of this, Spirit. I can’t handle all these humans dying so often. It’s just too hard on my heart.”

The Spirit was a little taken aback. “I knew their deaths got to you, Lord, but I had no idea it genuinely affected you this much.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m thinking I’ll kill them all.”

“What?!” shouted the Spirit. “How does that make any sense?!”

“You know, if I were to just…” God snapped his fingers.

“Oh my god! You didn’t just do it, did you?!” The Spirit raced out of the throne room to the edge of heaven so that he could get a good view of the earth.

The Lord chased after him, shouting, “Spirit! I was just giving an example!”

The Spirit stopped and walked back to the Lord. “God, if you really do care about them, I don’t understand why you’d want to kill them.”

God took a moment before answering. “If I got rid of them all in one quick hit, yes, it would hurt for a while. But then I wouldn’t have to worry about them all the time. It’s so hard constantly watching over them.”

Eyeing the Lord as he fiddled around with the buttons on his watch, the Spirit quickly asked, “But isn’t it worth it? Don’t you like it when they praise you?”

God’s face brightened up a little bit. “I am pretty awesome, aren’t I?”

The Spirit quickly opened and then slowly closed his mouth. “Yeah, I guess you are.”

God smiled and said, “Come on, Spirit. I want to show you something.” He ran out of the room as the Spirit nervously followed behind. God raced him to the center of heaven where some construction work was going on. “I had some of my boys drill a hole through the clouds here so I could see the humans more easily.”

“Oh, wow, this is a good place for that. You get a really clear view of all the people down below.”

“Yeah, and the sound’s real good, too. They can really hear you when you talk. Watch this.” God cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted, “Hey, buddy!”

The man stopped in his tracks and looked up at the sky. The Lord pulled down all the snot he could from his nasal cavity and shot down a massive wad of spit. “Yes!” shouted the Lord as he jumped back, pumping his fist in the air. “Right in the eye!”

The Spirit shook his head and sighed.

Bible Spoof – Chapter 49

When his grandsons had left the room, Jacob summoned the rest of his sons before him. They stood alongside Joseph from oldest to youngest. Jacob then motioned for them to take a seat. “My sons,” he spoke, “my time is short so I would like to offer you my blessings and tell you your futures.”

He managed to rise from his chair and hobbled over to his oldest son. “Reuben, my firstborn,” he said as he placed his hand on his son’s shoulder, “you are the epitome of my honor and power.”

Reuben smiled.

“However,” Jacob continued, “you mocked me when my wife died and then had the nerve to sleep with my other wife. And you did it on my couch! You bastard. Thus, even though you are my firstborn, you will not have the honor that goes with it.”

Reuben sighed. “Ah, well. It was totally worth it to bang Mom Number Three.” Reuben raised his hand as well as his eyebrows as he shouted, “Rawr!” and scratched like a cat.

Jacob moved onto his next two sons. “Simeon and Levi, I’m so glad I never ticked you boys off. Your anger is legendary as is the violence that stems from it. I did not know two men could kill so many people. Because your emotions run reckless and are an endangerment to us all, I’m splitting you apart and spreading you throughout Israel.”

“Aww, really?” asked Simeon. “You mean we can’t fight alongside each other anymore?”

“That sucks,” said Levi. “But I have an idea. If we can’t fight with each other, what if we fight against each other?”

“Dude, that’s awesome! We could make it a contest! You know, see who can rack up the most kills.”

“Ooh, yeah! And maybe we could create a point system. Like a hundred points for a normal kill and double points for killing injured people and children!”

As the brothers continued plotting, Jacob turned to his next son. “Judah, your anger is also rampant, like a lion.” He smiled. “But your teeth are also white, kinda like milk.”

Judah said nothing, not knowing how to react.

Jacob continued, “All your brothers will bow down to your rage. So you just keep on bringing your donkeys to the grapevines. And then wash your clothes in it.”

Judah was utterly speechless at this point.

“You know, your eye color sorta looks like wine. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you own the world someday.”

Judah was stunned as he watched his father move on. “Uh… thanks, Dad? I guess? Are you sure you’re feeling ok?”

Zebulun was the next son. Before his father could speak, he said, “Dad, you know, it would mean a lot to me if you would personally bless me with some nice clothes or even a home-cooked meal.”

“Sorry, son, I can’t do that. But I can tell you that you’re gonna live on the ocean. Good luck with that.” Jacob kept on walking.

“Dad! Wait! Could you at least teach me how to fish? Please? Why won’t you ever spend time with me?”

“Issachar,” said Jacob, “you’re an ass.”

“Hey!” he objected.

“But a strong one. That’s gonna help you when you become enslaved.”

“What?!” screamed Issachar as he watched his father go by. “How is that a blessing?!”

“Dan, you’re gonna be a judge.”

Dan remained tense, unsure what would follow.

“You’re like a snake lying in wait for a horse to come by so you can bite its ankles and cause the rider to be flung to his death,” said Jacob.

“Um…”

“That’s a good trait to have in a judge.”

“Ok, but…” Dan trailed off as he became lost in his thoughts.

Jacob then came to Gad and said, “Son, lots of people are going to steal from you. But as they do, you’ll be picking their pockets.

“Haha,” Gad sheepishly grinned as he looked around. “Dad, not so loud,” he whispered.

Asher twitched a bit as his father stood before him saying nothing. He wanted to say something to his father, but he was too afraid he might receive an unfavorable blessing. Jacob finally spoke, “You’re gonna have lots of food and make tasty treats!”

Asher relaxed. “Wow, that’s the best blessing so far. Praise God!”

Naphtali grew anxious at the thought that his blessing might also be a good one. Jacob came to him and stared deeply into his eyes. “Son, you’re like a prancing deer.” And with that, he moved on.

“…Did Dad just call me gay?” asked Naphtali.

Jacob then came to his son Joseph and kneeled down on both his knees.

“Oh, geez, here we go again,” sighed Reuben.

“I heard he already blessed him, too,” said Simeon.

“Wait, maybe we’ll get lucky,” said Issachar. “Maybe it’ll be a curse this time.”

“Oh, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Joseph,” started Jacob.

“Nope, definitely not a curse,” sighed Naphtali.

Jacob continued, “Joseph, God has always been with you and will continue to do so. He will give you blessings from above. He will give you blessings from below. His blessings will fill valleys. His blessings will sink mountains—”

“Ok, Dad!” shouted Judah. “I think we get it.”

After finishing Joseph’s blessing, he went to his last son. “Dear, sweet Benjamin. You’re so quiet, my son, but inside I know you’re really a hungry wolf ready and eager to rip things apart. Please promise me you’ll stay away from Simeon and Levi.”

Benjamin nodded.

Jacob then stood before all his sons and spoke, “My time is near. I have but one favor to ask of you. Please bury me next to my wife.” His legs then gave out as he fell to the floor with his final breath.

The Spirit heard a loud clank at the front gates of heaven as the Lord shouted, “I’m back!”

“God, where have you been? Do you know what’s happened?”

“Yeah, I know, I was trying to take care of his grave situation. I miscalculated a while back about how many graves his family would need.”

“Oh, well, that’s kind of you to rectify your error.”

“Yeah, I felt a little bad doing it, though.”

“Why? Because you’re not used to performing acts of kindness?”

“No, you see, I still needed one more grave, so I had to interrupt a funeral service to take it. I guess I should have waited until after the family left, but, you know, I was in a hurry, so I popped their daughter up through the ground right then and there. First just her arms and then her whole body.”

“Oh god…”

“Yeah, I guess it kinda freaked out the mom,” said the Lord. “Oops.”

To Next Chapter

Bible Spoof – Chapter 48

“Son,” Jacob said to Joseph, “put your hand under my thigh.”

Joseph shot a glance at his father with raised eyebrows.

“I need you to promise me something.”

“Oh, I see,” said Joseph as he came over to oblige.

“Ooh, Dad was right. That does tickle!” giggled Jacob. “Anyways, I want you to swear to me that you will not bury me in this god awful country. Please lay me next to my fathers.”

Joseph sadly looked at his father’s weathered face displaying all the effects of one hundred forty-seven years of life. “Of course, Dad, I’ll carry out your wishes.”

Jacob continued, “Joseph, you know how God has blessed me as he did my fathers. He has promised me more kids than I could ever count and more land than I could ever survey. And now it’s time for that blessing to extend to you and your children. Please bring me my grandsons.”

Joseph returned with his two sons and led them to their grandfather. He had them gently kiss his cheeks and give him a final hug. “Oh, who are these two?” asked Jacob.

“Dad, don’t you remember what you just said?” Joseph sighed. “These are your grandsons. Manasseh’s on your right, and Ephraim’s on your left.”

Squinting hard but still struggling to see them, Jacob reached out his arms and felt around in the air for their heads. His shaky hands eventually found their way, and he patted the boys lightly. He then began to bless them.

Joseph quickly stopped him. “Dad, your hands are in the wrong order.”

“Huh?” said Jacob, confused.

“I know you can’t see. Let me help you.” Joseph grabbed his father’s right arm and attempted to move it onto his firstborn son. “Oof, Dad,” he grunted as he struggled to lift it, “work with me here.”

“Son, my hands are in the right place. I know what I’m doing.”

“Dad, your arms are crossed. You clearly have no idea what’s going on.” Joseph pulled very hard to try to break his father’s grip. “Damn,” he breathed, “you’re really strong for an old guy. Can’t you loosen your grip a bit?”

“Son,” Jacob repeated, “I know which hand I have on which boy.”

“Then why…” Joseph stopped. “Oh my god! I know about that stunt you pulled on Uncle Esau. There’s no way I’m going to let you screw my own kids!” He furiously yanked at his father’s arms.

“Sorry, it must be this way.” Jacob began to speak his blessing over the two boys.

“No! That’s not right!” screamed Joseph. Unable to budge his father’s arms, he stared up at heaven. “Spirit! Stop this injustice!”

The Spirit appeared and leaned against the wall next to Joseph with his arms crossed. “Gee, doesn’t it suck when blessings are taken from one person and given to another? Oh, wait, you said you didn’t care about that. Too bad, huh?”

“Spirit, please, this isn’t about me! I’ve got more money than God, so why would I care about this blessing?” Joseph then turned to the Lord, who had also appeared, and said, “No offense.”

“None taken!” God smiled.

Joseph continued to plead with the Spirit, “But it does affect my kids! They’re innocent! And this is unfair to them.” But the Spirit did nothing. Joseph then turned to the Lord and begged for his help. But the Lord was too enamored at the praise being given to him in Jacob’s blessing to listen to anything else. Joseph then shouted at his father in desperation.

“Joseph, calm down,” said the Spirit. “If you’d listen to his blessing, he’s actually blessing both of your kids. Maybe he actually learned something from how horrible it was when his father blessed only one son.”

“But he’s giving more blessings to my younger son than my older son!” he retorted. “That’s not right!”

Jacob finished his blessing and released the two boys. The Lord took them by the hand and led them away to the corner so that he could talk to them. Joseph then approached his father and asked, “Dad, why did you do that?”

“Sorry, son, that’s just how it has to be. Manasseh will become a great nation. But Ephraim will be greater.”

Joseph sighed as he turned and looked at the Lord, who was explaining the terms of the contract with his two sons. God explained to the boys the birds and the bees and the knives that come afterwards. Ephraim started to cry, and Manasseh looked absolutely horrified when the Lord began making lots of slicing motions through the air with a wide grin on his face.

To Next Chapter

Bible Spoof – Chapter 47

Joseph came into the throne room with an urgent message for the Pharaoh. “Sir, I—” He stopped and anxiously pointed towards the door. “Oh, look! It’s my sheepherding brothers!”

The Pharaoh squirmed a little deeper into his throne. “Eww, sheep? Why are these people in my country?” The eleven brothers stood before him. Reuben held a shepherd’s staff in his hand while Naphtali knitted a wool sweater. Levi went so far as to even carry a small lamb over his neck. The Pharaoh fearfully asked, “You don’t really work with sheep, right? Please?”

Simeon answered, a bit shocked. “What else is there? We have to work with sheep. Our fathers worked with sheep as did our fathers’ fathers.”

“Yep, sheep, left and right,” said Issachar.

“Up and down, too,” added Asher.

“That’s why we’ve come to you, Pharaoh,” said Judah. “There was no food for us back at home, but we’ve heard there’s plenty in Egypt.”

“Mind if we set up shop in your palace courtyard?” asked Gad.

The Pharaoh nervously motioned for Joseph to come closer. “Please tell me that there’s some distant land we own.”

Joseph pretended to think for a while. “Well, there is Goshen.”

“That land’s the best of the best! And that’s where I was going to build that new playground for all the sick orphans.” The Pharaoh then cringed as the lamb on Levi’s shoulders let out a long, loud bleating sound. “Ugh, fine, just give it to them. Thank god it’s on the edge of our territory.”

Jacob entered the room as the Pharaoh announced his decision. “Oh, that’s most generous of you, Pharaoh. God bless you for that.”

“Sir, this is my father,” said Joseph.

The Pharaoh stared at the man and then at Joseph. He asked Jacob, “You seem rather old to be Joseph’s father. How old are you?”

“Let’s see… I’ve been wandering around for 130 years now.”

The Pharaoh let out a big laugh. “Oh, come on! That’s absurd!”

“Tell me about it. It sucks how short my life’s been. I’m nowhere close to the age Dad was when he died.”

“Oh… you’re serious…”

“Thanks for the compliment, Pharaoh! God bless you again!” Jacob turned to his sons. “Come on, boys, we’ve got lots of sheeping to do!”

Joseph left with his brothers. As they left the palace grounds, he shouted, “Oh my god! Did you see Pharaoh’s face?”

“Hahaha! I know!” laughed Simeon. “We sure tricked him good!”

“Dude, that sheep was the perfect touch, Levi,” said Issachar as he patted the lamb on the head.

The Spirit waited until their laughter had died down to pull Joseph aside from the group. “Joseph,” he said with a concerned voice, “what are you doing?”

“Spirit, it’s no big deal. I told you not to worry.”

“But I am worried. You convinced your brothers to lie, you lied to me, and then you lied to Pharaoh. Notice a pattern here?”

“Spirit, I know, but it’s just this one time. And I did it to bless my family. That’s the most important thing. If my lies really do bless someone, then it’s a good thing.”

“Yes, your family was blessed, but you cheated someone else out of that land! Is that a good thing?”

“I think you’re just overreacting. You really don’t have to worry about me, Spirit. I’m the same honorable person I’ve always been,” he said as he left to rejoin his brothers.

Soon, the famine had grown to the point where no household in Egypt had any food of their own left in storage. Everyone was constantly coming to Joseph to purchase just enough to survive. Most people had already spent any money they had saved up.

A desperate father approached him and begged, “Sir, I need food for my family, but I cannot pay you.”

“Then I cannot help you,” replied Joseph tersely.

“Sir, please! Are you just going to let my family die?”

“Look, if you can’t pay me with cash, then pay me with stuff you own, like your cattle or that shirt on your back.”

The man was stunned. He tried to object, but Joseph brushed him aside. The man then quietly agreed to the deal. He returned later that day with the remainder of his livestock to purchase bread for his family as other men did the same.

The Spirit observed all of this from heaven and approached the Lord. “Hey, does Joseph seem kind of greedy to you?”

“Holy shit, yes, he does! This is amazing!” said the Lord with great delight. “Man, all this time I was tempting him with sex… I had no idea he was so hungry for money!”

The Spirit sadly watched as Joseph continued to take from the poor families. Joseph would often taunt them as they turned over their last earthly possessions. Soon he had control of all the animals in Egypt, and his maniacal laughter could be heard throughout the land. The Spirit sat slumped down at the edge of heaven. “God, I—” Struggling to speak, he continued, “I thought he was actually good.” He let the tears fall down his face. “I mean, I really, truly thought he was the first righteous man to come from your people.” The Spirit brushed off each eye with a finger. “I know you screwed him up with your lies, but then he repented… Or so I thought. And now this. It’s all so terrible.”

“There, there, Spirit. You can’t win them all,” said the Lord as he placed his hand on his shoulder.

As the famine progressed, people once again came to Joseph when they were out of food. The same man approached him and requested help. Joseph repeated, “You can have food when you pay me.”

Fighting hard to mask the quivering in his voice, the man said, “Sir, you know I have no money. The only thing I have left is my land.”

“Then I’ll take that from you. But it’s not enough. I need something more.”

“Sir, there’s nothing left besides my skin and bones!”

“Then you die, fool!”

“Oh my god!” cried the Spirit. “He’s getting worse!”

“Don’t worry, Spirit. It’s not so bad,” said the Lord. “Look! Now he’s enslaving all the people! It’s the best possible solution for everyone!”

As Joseph was branding his new slaves, a small group of young children approached him. An older boy from the group stepped forward and bowed before him. He coughed, “Sir, we’ve come from Goshen. We went there because we were promised medical aid, food, and… hope. But when we arrived, we found only sheep and fat men living like kings. They have so much excess that they roll in their leftover food if they can’t finish a meal. We begged them for scraps, but they turned us away.”

“Yeah, so? What do you want?”

“Sir, we’re so hungry. Please give us something to eat.”

Unflinchingly, Joseph answered, “You can eat if you pay.”

The boy coughed profusely. “Sir, we have nothing.”

“There must be something you can give. All these other people have become my slaves.”

“Sir, we’re so ill that we cannot work. All we have left is our dying breath.”

“Fool!” Joseph cried. “Your soul is mine!”

The Spirit was now sobbing uncontrollably. The Lord shook him to get his attention as he whined, “Spirit! That’s not fair! I wanted his soul!”

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